I was outside filling my bird baths, talking to the birds, when I suddenly found myself staring at a most unusual looking creature. “Whoa,” I said startled. “What the heck are you?” “What do you mean?” he said looking around. “I’m just another human being same as you.” “No, you’re not,” I said. “I’d say you look more like someone from another planet.”

“Oh, crap, what gave me away?” he said looking disappointed. “Well,” I said. “I think it’s the fact that your thumb is sticking out of the top of your head, your feet are at the end of your arms, and let’s just say there’s an appendage coming out of your back that belongs in the front and much lower. You might want to put some pants on over that.” “Oh, of course,” he said shaking his head. “Sometimes my parts converter gets mixed up. It’s an older version and probably should be updated. Hold on.” He shook himself all over and then, amazingly, he was looking more appropriate for a human being, except for his seven fingers. “Well,” I said with a smile. “Not perfect, but at least your language translator is working correctly.” “Sometimes that gets out of whack as well and I revert to my native language,” he said. “Let me know if I suddenly stop making sense. Name’s Ned, by the way.”

“Where are you from, Ned? I asked. “Oh, I’m from the planet Blattodea” he said. I looked at him blankly. “That’s definitely not part of OUR solar system,” I said. “No,” he chuckled. “My home is located in Andromeda, the next largest galaxy over from the Milky Way.” “You mean the next solar system over from ours, right?” I corrected. “Nope, the next galaxy,” he said. “Wait a moment,” I said confused. “Exactly how long have you been traveling?” “Not long,” he said. “A few weeks, maybe.” “That’s impossible!” I exclaimed. ”You can’t travel faster than the speed of light.” Ned looked at me with raised eyebrows. “No, but you can travel through tears in the fabric of space time. Don’t worry, you humans will figure it out eventually.” Just then a shadow passed over us and Ned ducked behind me, cowering. I stared at him with a surprised look on my face. “What’s the matter?” I said. “Are you really afraid of a Scrub Jay? You’re a hundred times larger than that bird!” “I don’t know what it is,” he said. “We Blattodeans seem to have a deep-seated fear of Earth birds. And, for some reason,” he said looking warily at my feet, “shoes.” “We’ve never been able to figure out why that is. Maybe something that happened way back in our evolution.”

“So, why are you here?” I chuckled. “Are you on vacation?” “No, I’m here to observe humans,” he said. “I was trying to carefully blend in until my parts converter malfunctioned and you noticed that I looked a little “off.” There are others of us here, too.” “Oh,” I said looking around. “Is there anything I could help you with?” “Yes,” he said. “I am getting a little hungry. Do you have any table scraps?” “Table scraps? How about some pork rind and pigs knuckles?” I said, thinking what an odd request that was. “No, I was thinking something more along the lines of djnczlk@hfa#ewbvwwf or maybe pwkdzkdhfk$? “Hold on, Ned,” I said holding up my hands. “Either your language translator is starting to act up or you’re swearing at me.” He shook his body all over. “Sorry, what I meant to say is that some potato peelings or apple cores would be great for lunch.” What? I thought to myself. How strange is that? I mean who doesn’t like pork rind and pigs knuckles? “Never mind,” he said. “I’ll find something. We Blattodeans can eat pretty much anything.”

“If you’re here to observe humans,” I said. “What have you learned so far?” “Let’s see,” he said thoughtfully. “Oh, I know!” “Here,” he said extending his hand. “Pull my finger.” “What!?” I exclaimed. “You’re here to observe human behavior and that’s what you’ve learned? Pull my finger?” “Well, we can’t learn anything technological from you. We are so much more advanced.” “How long have Blattodeans been around?” I asked. “Oh,” he said, looking skyward and counting on his seven fingers. “I’d say somewhere in the vicinity of 300 million years.” “Wow!” I said. “You’re truly an ancient culture. No wonder you’re so advanced.” “Yes,” he said. “We have lived through all kinds of cosmic events. We are true survivors.” “What else have you learned on this planet?” I asked. “Well, we’ve learned that you don’t mix light clothing with dark clothing in the washing machine.” I stared at him in amazement and said, “That’s it?” He frowned, looking confused. “We don’t wear clothes on Blattodea. This is all new to us.” “Then, hhow do you stay warm?” I asked. “We thrive in temperatures between 70 and 85 degrees Fahrenheit, preferably on the humid side. Blattodea remains that temperature year round. We used to grow food there, but we use food replicators now. In the days before replicators we would just eat each other if we had any problems with the food supply,” he said matter-of-fact. “What?!” I said incredulously, putting my hand over my mouth. “You ate each other?” “If need be. There was always plenty of us to go around,” he said. I wasn’t sure where this was headed, but I had a last burning question. “Can I see what you look like without your parts converter?” “In my natural form?” he said. “I don’t think you want to see this. It has never gone well for us to show our true form to humans. They run away in disgust, shrieking and screaming.” “It won’t bother me,” I said, confidently. I mean what could he look like that’s so horrible? Three giant heads? Hands with claws like knives? Greenish body? Teeth as large as a saber tooth tiger? I mean this advanced civilization has lived for millions of years. He seems nice. What could possibly go wrong? “Well, you ready?” he said. “Yes,” I said, covering my eyes peeking through my fingers. “Okay, here I am.” I slowly uncovered my eyes and looked around. “Where are you?” I asked. “Here,” he said. I looked around again. “Where?” “Down here,” he said impatiently. I looked at the ground and there was Ned. Ned, the cockroach.

Bless the Blattodeans ~ Joanie and Annie